So today I picked myself up from the wreckage of my self-esteem and started over again...sort of. In fact, my "dancing" today consisted of nothing but lying down, but it was one of the best kinds of lying down there is: cloud watching.
It was an absolutely glorious day today. The sun was hot, there was enough of a breeze to keep the bugs off, and there were beautiful fluffy clouds drifting across the sky. So while Xander played in the gravel I stretched out in the driveway and watched the clouds drift by. It was perfect. I felt my breath flow in and out. I felt the sunshine warming my skin. And I watched the edges of the clouds shift and melt. So peaceful. Just perfect.
Sometimes the best way to dance is not to move at all.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Day 20: May 20, 2010
Oof. Mental note: when dancing, never stand in front of a reflective door. Or, rather, never stand in front of a reflective door with the intention of checking out your reflection. Seriously, WHAT WAS I THINKING?! That was terrible!
On the plus side, it has reaffirmed me in my intention to never ever have mirrors in my dance studio. Not ever. Not even for ballet classes. Nope. Not happening.
That is all. Urgh.
On the plus side, it has reaffirmed me in my intention to never ever have mirrors in my dance studio. Not ever. Not even for ballet classes. Nope. Not happening.
That is all. Urgh.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Day 19: May 19 2010
Ew. Ewewewewewewewew. Ew. My dance room is being invaded by wee creepy crawlies. I want to say they're millipedes, since they look like little many-legged worms, but they also appear to be eating the door to the lower deck....do millipedes eat wood? I cleared out the nest in the doorway with a stick and a spray bottle of teatree oil. And that's all good, but now I feel like I have crawling things ALL over me. So disgusting.
Anyway, in between doing that I did manage to dance. I tried the audiobook thing again, using a passage from Striding Folly by Dorothy L Sayers where a character has a bad dream. It was really fun, but I couldn't shake the creepy feeling. On the whole, though, it was a good session. Very promising. I think dancing to spoken word sometimes helps me move in unfamiliar ways. I like it!
Going to go try to shake the "buggy" feeling. UGH. So gross.
Anyway, in between doing that I did manage to dance. I tried the audiobook thing again, using a passage from Striding Folly by Dorothy L Sayers where a character has a bad dream. It was really fun, but I couldn't shake the creepy feeling. On the whole, though, it was a good session. Very promising. I think dancing to spoken word sometimes helps me move in unfamiliar ways. I like it!
Going to go try to shake the "buggy" feeling. UGH. So gross.
Day 18: May 18, 2010
DAMN! I didn't post yesterday. I danced and everything! GAH. Stupid brain.
Yesterday's dancing session was a 15-minute romp in the basement with the little one. Soundtrack was VNV Nation's "Arclight" played twice, and then another song or two afterward. While I admit that a lot of the "dancing" was running around with the boy and bouncing off the walls (literally), the beginning was actually very baby-free thanks to strawberries and art supplies (not used in conjunction, although that can happen).
I think what stood out about this dance session was that my brain really didn't get in the way that much. I danced, and I LIKED what I danced and I FELT GOOD. Thank goodness. And, since I was listening to songs I had originally planned to choreograph pieces to and had actually started working on years ago, there was a certain element of "Oh my, how my movements have changed!"....but in a good way. Last time around things were still too balletic in my choreography. It looks like once I'm ready to start again it's going to be very different. And that makes me extremely happy.
Yesterday's dancing session was a 15-minute romp in the basement with the little one. Soundtrack was VNV Nation's "Arclight" played twice, and then another song or two afterward. While I admit that a lot of the "dancing" was running around with the boy and bouncing off the walls (literally), the beginning was actually very baby-free thanks to strawberries and art supplies (not used in conjunction, although that can happen).
I think what stood out about this dance session was that my brain really didn't get in the way that much. I danced, and I LIKED what I danced and I FELT GOOD. Thank goodness. And, since I was listening to songs I had originally planned to choreograph pieces to and had actually started working on years ago, there was a certain element of "Oh my, how my movements have changed!"....but in a good way. Last time around things were still too balletic in my choreography. It looks like once I'm ready to start again it's going to be very different. And that makes me extremely happy.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Day 17: May 17, 2010
Tonight, just for fun, I tried improvising to five minutes of an audiobook. The book in question was An Abundance of Katherines by John Green, one of my favourite authors, and tied for second place with Neil Gaiman in my all-time nerdcrush hall of fame (yes, I have one. Doesn't everyone?).
I have done a lot of improvisational movement in my life, but never have I ever danced to an audiobook. It was fascinating! I found myself being goofy and graceful and awkward and odd all in a five-minute period. Such an interesting exercise because there are so many ways you can play it: do you dance to the cadence of the voice, to the characters, or do you act out the actual words? I imagine that it would change with every story -next time I might try, say, Twilight, or Doctor Who: The Last Voyage, or one of the His Dark Materials trilogy, and it will be totally different. I love it! I'm adding this to my mental list of exercises. So glad I tried it!
I have done a lot of improvisational movement in my life, but never have I ever danced to an audiobook. It was fascinating! I found myself being goofy and graceful and awkward and odd all in a five-minute period. Such an interesting exercise because there are so many ways you can play it: do you dance to the cadence of the voice, to the characters, or do you act out the actual words? I imagine that it would change with every story -next time I might try, say, Twilight, or Doctor Who: The Last Voyage, or one of the His Dark Materials trilogy, and it will be totally different. I love it! I'm adding this to my mental list of exercises. So glad I tried it!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Day 16: May 16, 2010
Sometimes cleaning and dancing go together. I imagine that when Xander is older I'll be using this tactic to encourage him to help me clean up, a la Mary Poppins. But tonight it was a matter of me looking at the clock and thinking "CRAP. It's 11 and I haven't danced or cleaned yet." So I put some music on and I did BOTH.
I'm going to be honest, by the end of it I was so dog tired that it was 99% "clean" and only about 1% "dance"....but whatever. Have you ever tried to dance while loading a dishwasher? Not easy when you're energetic, and I am NOT energetic. I'm SO TIRED.
Time for bed. More dancing tomorrow.
I'm going to be honest, by the end of it I was so dog tired that it was 99% "clean" and only about 1% "dance"....but whatever. Have you ever tried to dance while loading a dishwasher? Not easy when you're energetic, and I am NOT energetic. I'm SO TIRED.
Time for bed. More dancing tomorrow.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Day 15: May 15, 2010
If I had to pick one of the past 15 dance sessions to replicate over and over for the rest of my life it would be today's.
Picture this: In the beautiful dance room with my toddler. Gorgeous, upbeat drumming music playing. We're dancing with scarves, swirling them over our heads and playing peekaboo. And then we're running all around the space, smacking into walls, and I catch him up in my arms and twirl with him and his head is thrown back in joy and he's laughing and screeching with delight. I don't even know how long we did it for because we just kept going and it felt like no time at all, only there were about 6 songs playing in a row. It was perfect.
So, yes. If I had to keep just one moment from the past 15 days, this would be it.
Picture this: In the beautiful dance room with my toddler. Gorgeous, upbeat drumming music playing. We're dancing with scarves, swirling them over our heads and playing peekaboo. And then we're running all around the space, smacking into walls, and I catch him up in my arms and twirl with him and his head is thrown back in joy and he's laughing and screeching with delight. I don't even know how long we did it for because we just kept going and it felt like no time at all, only there were about 6 songs playing in a row. It was perfect.
So, yes. If I had to keep just one moment from the past 15 days, this would be it.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Day 14: May 14, 2010
I'm very proud of myself. Today I went down and danced first thing after I got Xander to sleep for his nap. Usually (when we don't dance together in the mornings) I find myself meaning to do that, but deciding to have a snack or make some tea or surf the web first, and then suddenly he's up again and I've gotten no dancing done. But today I got him down, took the monitor and my iPod down to the dance room and danced for an entire almost-10-minute song! YES!
The dance was both really good and really frustrating. I found myself more able to slip into the movements I wanted, instead of feeling like I couldn't get there or feeling silly. I found myself exploring a lot of shapes -finding interesting ways to shape my body, and then morphing into something else or holding that shape and moving through space. But about halfway through it stopped being awesome and started feeling over-thought. Not contrived, exactly, but like I was planning what to do next all the time, and then I was noticing that I was doing that. I guess the best comparison is a frustrating meditation session: you sit there and you catch yourself making a to-do list for after you're done meditating, and then you get mad at yourself for doing that and then you get frustrated for getting mad at yourself when you're supposed to be meditating and on and on and on.
They say that the very act of catching yourself "meditating wrong" is what meditating is all about. It shows you that you are not your thoughts, and that there is an inner witness who is present no matter where your monkey mind takes you. That's a comforting thought. So, maybe the entire session today was NOT a waste of time. Maybe it was all good...not only did I move myself the way I wanted to, but I began locating the inner witness. Still frustrating, but a little less self-critical-making. That's good. Really, if I have more sessions like this I should consider myself lucky!
The dance was both really good and really frustrating. I found myself more able to slip into the movements I wanted, instead of feeling like I couldn't get there or feeling silly. I found myself exploring a lot of shapes -finding interesting ways to shape my body, and then morphing into something else or holding that shape and moving through space. But about halfway through it stopped being awesome and started feeling over-thought. Not contrived, exactly, but like I was planning what to do next all the time, and then I was noticing that I was doing that. I guess the best comparison is a frustrating meditation session: you sit there and you catch yourself making a to-do list for after you're done meditating, and then you get mad at yourself for doing that and then you get frustrated for getting mad at yourself when you're supposed to be meditating and on and on and on.
They say that the very act of catching yourself "meditating wrong" is what meditating is all about. It shows you that you are not your thoughts, and that there is an inner witness who is present no matter where your monkey mind takes you. That's a comforting thought. So, maybe the entire session today was NOT a waste of time. Maybe it was all good...not only did I move myself the way I wanted to, but I began locating the inner witness. Still frustrating, but a little less self-critical-making. That's good. Really, if I have more sessions like this I should consider myself lucky!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Day 13: May 13, 2010
Day Thirteen! Almost 2 weeks in...which means....50 to go. Whew!
It's not that five minutes out of my day is hard -it's not. It's that it's not a habit yet, and neither is this daily writing thing. But so far so good...I haven't actually forgotten yet, and that's something, right?
Today's dance was a brief and sugar-fueled bounce around the room with Xander in my arms for most of it (note: an over-30-pound toddler is not a dance partner for the weak-of-arms. Luckily, I am not weak-of-arms, having toted said toddler around for the past 21 months. What's that called in exercise terms? You know, when you start at a low weight and then increase it gradually as your muscles get stronger? In my world it's called having a baby. And now I'm rambling). I don't really have any major insights to report tonight. It was fun, it was aerobically challenging, and Xander laughed like a maniac and hugged me tight the whole time (LOVELOVELOVE).
Yup, that's pretty much it. Straightforward, happy, and fun. Gotta love that!
Nighty night.
It's not that five minutes out of my day is hard -it's not. It's that it's not a habit yet, and neither is this daily writing thing. But so far so good...I haven't actually forgotten yet, and that's something, right?
Today's dance was a brief and sugar-fueled bounce around the room with Xander in my arms for most of it (note: an over-30-pound toddler is not a dance partner for the weak-of-arms. Luckily, I am not weak-of-arms, having toted said toddler around for the past 21 months. What's that called in exercise terms? You know, when you start at a low weight and then increase it gradually as your muscles get stronger? In my world it's called having a baby. And now I'm rambling). I don't really have any major insights to report tonight. It was fun, it was aerobically challenging, and Xander laughed like a maniac and hugged me tight the whole time (LOVELOVELOVE).
Yup, that's pretty much it. Straightforward, happy, and fun. Gotta love that!
Nighty night.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Day 12: May 12, 2010
Done and done!
Tonight I did my first Reiki Healing Dance treatment in 2 years (although I'm thinking I may need to find a new name, since it's actually a combination of DansKinetics, Reiki Healing Dance, and 5Rhythms-ish ecstatic dance). And it...was...fabulous.
I spent almost the entire day in an absolute panic. It wasn't so much that I doubted my ability to teach a class (or facilitate a dance experience, to put it more precisely), it was that I kept having these panicky "Yes, but what if I'm WRONG and it SUCKS and she HATES me and she HATES my studio and Xander FREAKS out...etc etc etc" thoughts. They would whirl round and round and round in my brain until I would realize that I'd been holding my breath for the past 5 minutes. It was bad. It was also totally unnecessary. Because I wasn't wrong, it didn't suck, she didn't hate me, she loved my studio, and Xander was just fine, thanks to my wonderful husband. All that fear and wasted energy...I need to work on that.
The session itself played out like a DansKinetics class, which means that we warmed up and danced each chakra in turn. The differences were that 1) there was only one person besides me and 2) I was sending her Reiki during the dances. As far as first-time-trial-runs go it couldn't have been better. By the second chakra I was feeling really secure (possibly something to do with getting nice and grounded in Chakra 1), and I found myself tailoring my commentary to fit the client's energy level and mood, which is good. If I want to do this regularly I'm going to need to be able to customize sessions to meet clients' needs.
Anyway, on to the dancing. We danced for about an hour straight, and yes, I did manage to dance AND send Reiki at the same time. It was difficult to stay focused at times, but mostly it was surprisingly easy. I moved how I wanted, but I kept my focus towards the client and pictured myself as walking the perimeter of a safe space that held her in the dance. Working with a "non-dancer" client also helped me a lot by reminding me that you don't need technique, training, and steps in order to dance. I knew that deep down (you can't start a business like mine and not know that), but a real-life reminder is always good. There were some truly beautiful moments.
All in all, the experience cemented my commitment to this dance challenge and my desire to get out there and MOVE in any way that makes me glow. It's clarified my mission to remind people what dance really is all about. And, frankly, it makes me want to get down to that dance room and move my body again and again and again. These are all very good things.
Tonight I did my first Reiki Healing Dance treatment in 2 years (although I'm thinking I may need to find a new name, since it's actually a combination of DansKinetics, Reiki Healing Dance, and 5Rhythms-ish ecstatic dance). And it...was...fabulous.
I spent almost the entire day in an absolute panic. It wasn't so much that I doubted my ability to teach a class (or facilitate a dance experience, to put it more precisely), it was that I kept having these panicky "Yes, but what if I'm WRONG and it SUCKS and she HATES me and she HATES my studio and Xander FREAKS out...etc etc etc" thoughts. They would whirl round and round and round in my brain until I would realize that I'd been holding my breath for the past 5 minutes. It was bad. It was also totally unnecessary. Because I wasn't wrong, it didn't suck, she didn't hate me, she loved my studio, and Xander was just fine, thanks to my wonderful husband. All that fear and wasted energy...I need to work on that.
The session itself played out like a DansKinetics class, which means that we warmed up and danced each chakra in turn. The differences were that 1) there was only one person besides me and 2) I was sending her Reiki during the dances. As far as first-time-trial-runs go it couldn't have been better. By the second chakra I was feeling really secure (possibly something to do with getting nice and grounded in Chakra 1), and I found myself tailoring my commentary to fit the client's energy level and mood, which is good. If I want to do this regularly I'm going to need to be able to customize sessions to meet clients' needs.
Anyway, on to the dancing. We danced for about an hour straight, and yes, I did manage to dance AND send Reiki at the same time. It was difficult to stay focused at times, but mostly it was surprisingly easy. I moved how I wanted, but I kept my focus towards the client and pictured myself as walking the perimeter of a safe space that held her in the dance. Working with a "non-dancer" client also helped me a lot by reminding me that you don't need technique, training, and steps in order to dance. I knew that deep down (you can't start a business like mine and not know that), but a real-life reminder is always good. There were some truly beautiful moments.
All in all, the experience cemented my commitment to this dance challenge and my desire to get out there and MOVE in any way that makes me glow. It's clarified my mission to remind people what dance really is all about. And, frankly, it makes me want to get down to that dance room and move my body again and again and again. These are all very good things.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Day 11: May 11, 2010
Today was one of those days where you're going going going non-stop and then it's suddenly almost 11pm and you go "Crap! I didn't dance yet!" It's actually funny because I did pretty much nothing but think about dancing all day. I had my breakthrough, finally! It took a long conversation with Matthew and some letting go of thought and going downstairs to fix up my dance room some more. And boom! Once I got back upstairs...there it was! Thank goodness!
So just now, when I realized that, crap, I hadn't danced yet, I came to another realization: I'm way too tired and I don't FEEL like dancing, at least not in the "moving my body" sense of the word. So I did something else. I put on one of the most beautiful pieces of music that I've ever heard ("Transformation" by R. Carlos Nakai and Peter Kater), and I sat wrapped in a blanket with my eyes closed and I let my spirit dance. I've never been able to meditate in any kind of traditional way, but if this, if sitting still while my spirit moves, is meditating then I should think a regular practice would be easy as pie. The music flowed past me, all trickling rills of piano and Native American flute (SO beautiful), and I pictured the dance I would do if I could. No holds barred, no physical limitations, and no end to the gratitude I felt for the ability to do it. It was wonderful.
Sometimes I think we need to let our spirits dance on their own and see how far they soar. And, don't worry, tomorrow I'll be dancing with my body as well as my soul.
So just now, when I realized that, crap, I hadn't danced yet, I came to another realization: I'm way too tired and I don't FEEL like dancing, at least not in the "moving my body" sense of the word. So I did something else. I put on one of the most beautiful pieces of music that I've ever heard ("Transformation" by R. Carlos Nakai and Peter Kater), and I sat wrapped in a blanket with my eyes closed and I let my spirit dance. I've never been able to meditate in any kind of traditional way, but if this, if sitting still while my spirit moves, is meditating then I should think a regular practice would be easy as pie. The music flowed past me, all trickling rills of piano and Native American flute (SO beautiful), and I pictured the dance I would do if I could. No holds barred, no physical limitations, and no end to the gratitude I felt for the ability to do it. It was wonderful.
Sometimes I think we need to let our spirits dance on their own and see how far they soar. And, don't worry, tomorrow I'll be dancing with my body as well as my soul.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Day 10: May 10, 2010
This is a big week for me. On Wednesday I'll be giving my first Reiki Healing Dance treatment in two years. So I located the notes from my last treatment, and I've come to a big, important realization: I don't want to do the same treatment I did back then. I'm not the same person I was, and it's just not resonating with me. RHD treatments (well, all my classes) are deeply personal experiences. I need to be 100% present with them, to meet them with full integrity. And it looks like that means a complete revamping of my approach. This is both terrifying and exciting.
So, to start the process, today I'm revisiting all of my notes and materials from my training. Part of that involved doing the Reiki Healing Dance video that I received when I finished the certification workshop. I have to be honest, I found the process oddly frustrating. It was like I was doing someone else's dance instead of my own. I don't know if this makes sense....but it was like I could glimpse a kernel of truth in the experience, but I couldn't filter it out and distill it. It wasn't usable for the purposes of planning my own approach, at least not in its complete form. But there's something there....it's itching away at the back of my mind and driving me mad.
I think it just needs a little while to percolate in my mind. I'm definitely glad I tried it -I think it'll help in the long run.
So, to start the process, today I'm revisiting all of my notes and materials from my training. Part of that involved doing the Reiki Healing Dance video that I received when I finished the certification workshop. I have to be honest, I found the process oddly frustrating. It was like I was doing someone else's dance instead of my own. I don't know if this makes sense....but it was like I could glimpse a kernel of truth in the experience, but I couldn't filter it out and distill it. It wasn't usable for the purposes of planning my own approach, at least not in its complete form. But there's something there....it's itching away at the back of my mind and driving me mad.
I think it just needs a little while to percolate in my mind. I'm definitely glad I tried it -I think it'll help in the long run.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Day 9: May 9, 2010
It's Mother's Day!
When I was growing up, my family very definitely did not celebrate either Mother's or Father's day. It just wasn't something we did...kind of like how my parents didn't have Valentine's Day celebrations (...that I know of... O_o). But Matthew and I talked about it, and we've decided to do the celebration thing because that's how we roll. So this morning we went out to breakfast at our favourite local place, and Matthew gave me a beautiful pencil drawing that he'd done of Xander. I love it!
Anyway, it seemed fitting that today my dance session should be done with Xander in the living room to the music of the "Ponyo" credits (Ponyo is Xander's favourite movie. It has even surpassed Doctor Who, and that's saying something. Here's a taste of the lyrics for the uninitiated: "Ponyo Ponyo Ponyo, Fishy in the sea, tiny little fishy, who could you really be? Ponyo Ponyo Ponyo, Magic set you free, Oh, she's the little girl with the round belly." Or something like that anyway. There's also a kiddie-rap. It's delightful!). Xander and I bounced around the living room and I skipped and galloped and capered and got entirely out of breath. It was great. I look forward to many more years of romping in the living room with my little man. Being a mama is wonderful (about 78% of the time).
Hope the "Mummy"s out there have a lovely Mother's Day!
When I was growing up, my family very definitely did not celebrate either Mother's or Father's day. It just wasn't something we did...kind of like how my parents didn't have Valentine's Day celebrations (...that I know of... O_o). But Matthew and I talked about it, and we've decided to do the celebration thing because that's how we roll. So this morning we went out to breakfast at our favourite local place, and Matthew gave me a beautiful pencil drawing that he'd done of Xander. I love it!
Anyway, it seemed fitting that today my dance session should be done with Xander in the living room to the music of the "Ponyo" credits (Ponyo is Xander's favourite movie. It has even surpassed Doctor Who, and that's saying something. Here's a taste of the lyrics for the uninitiated: "Ponyo Ponyo Ponyo, Fishy in the sea, tiny little fishy, who could you really be? Ponyo Ponyo Ponyo, Magic set you free, Oh, she's the little girl with the round belly." Or something like that anyway. There's also a kiddie-rap. It's delightful!). Xander and I bounced around the living room and I skipped and galloped and capered and got entirely out of breath. It was great. I look forward to many more years of romping in the living room with my little man. Being a mama is wonderful (about 78% of the time).
Hope the "Mummy"s out there have a lovely Mother's Day!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Day 8: May 8, 2010
Weekend! Happy Saturday!
Today was a family day, and we all danced as a family up in the living room! It was so fun...we flashed through so many different songs and I periodically left to check the grilled cheese sandwiches and then came back to rejoin the party.
I know it sounds like it wasn't really anything, or like I wasn't trying, but I found it oddly revealing and worth writing about. I think sometimes (read: lately) I get hung up on the idea of dance as Art-capital-A as opposed to dance as Experience. I've been getting frustrated because I can't make my body do the movements I think of as Art. But when I relax that vision and just let myself MOVE MY BODY TO MUSIC (shocker) I feel the joy flowing through me as strongly as ever. And, while dance as Art has always been a solitary activity for me, when it comes to the other type of dance, that I can share with my family and with the world. And maybe, just maybe, that's more important to bring into my life right now, and to bring into the world right now.
Does that make sense? It makes perfect sense in my head...
Today was a family day, and we all danced as a family up in the living room! It was so fun...we flashed through so many different songs and I periodically left to check the grilled cheese sandwiches and then came back to rejoin the party.
I know it sounds like it wasn't really anything, or like I wasn't trying, but I found it oddly revealing and worth writing about. I think sometimes (read: lately) I get hung up on the idea of dance as Art-capital-A as opposed to dance as Experience. I've been getting frustrated because I can't make my body do the movements I think of as Art. But when I relax that vision and just let myself MOVE MY BODY TO MUSIC (shocker) I feel the joy flowing through me as strongly as ever. And, while dance as Art has always been a solitary activity for me, when it comes to the other type of dance, that I can share with my family and with the world. And maybe, just maybe, that's more important to bring into my life right now, and to bring into the world right now.
Does that make sense? It makes perfect sense in my head...
Friday, May 7, 2010
Day 7: May 7, 2010
Do you know what the best thing is about having a laptop with wifi? Being able to blog outside in the sun. And do you know what the best thing is about having a secluded back yard? Being able to dance in it.
Yes, I was officially recovered enough to dance again today. I have a cough that sounds like a barking dog and is quite remarkably painful, but it wasn't going to stop me from dancing, no sir. It was so beautiful outside that I broke my own cardinal rule drilled into me by my parents: NO MUSIC OUTSIDE -IT'S NOISE POLLUTION, and I plugged my iPod speakers into the outdoor outlet in the back yard. Three songs today: "Blood-stained Tip" by Shadow Fax (who I bet you've never heard of), "To Sheila" by Smashing Pumpkins, and "Konstantine" by Something Corporate. These songs are all from my "Meg" playlist, which is a list completely composed of songs that mean, or have meant, something to me. It's kind of a soundtrack of my life to date. Specifically, these songs are: a favourite from my sophomore year of college, a song from the ONLY good date I had when I went to school in New York City, and Meg-and-Matthew's "First Dance" song...both as a couple and as a married couple. Needless to say, I was going for maximum evocativeness (apparently, evocativeness isn't a word, but you get the idea).
Anyway, so the songs were playing and I started moving...and an interesting thing happened. The first song was general dance-y stuff (read: moving and being frustrated because I can't seem to move the way I want to any more ever), but in the second one I turned around and was caught in a moment. As I watched I saw our little Xander walking down the lawn, totally preoccupied with looking around him. And as I watched him walk away I was so overcome by love for this little person -with his little blue jeans and his wee bucket hat and his coconut head and his tiny, uneven toddler strides, that my heart almost leaped out of my chest. He turned around and I crouched down and held out my arms and watched him as he grinned and ran towards me with his arms held out for a hug. It was amazing. It was like dancing, only I wasn't moving. And here's the interesting part...I couldn't wait to come in and write about it.
This is a big deal...until recently my first thought would have been to dance about something like that. I probably wouldn't have actually gotten up and done it, but I would have felt like it. To have my first instinct be to write...that's new. It kind of scares me...does this mean I'm a writer and not a dancer any more? Can I be both? Am I more one than the other? Or am I just way too preoccupied with labels?
Those are rhetorical questions...of course I'm a dancer. But it reminds me of something I was pondering as I stroller-walked Xander around the block earlier today. My philosophy of "Everyone's a dancer"...is it really true? I mean, yes, everyone can dance, everyone has the ability to express themselves through movement if they feel like it. But that's what's making me wonder...the "if they feel like it." Take my ex-fiance -he never danced, ever (I don't know if this is still true, but it was when we were a couple). He just didn't like it. Is he a dancer? Are you a dancer if you would take the term as a genuine insult? Or if you just plain never feel the urge? If you're out there and you're reading this I'd love to know what you think. I'll be thinking about it myself, I'm sure, and I'll get back to you if I come up with anything.
Yes, I was officially recovered enough to dance again today. I have a cough that sounds like a barking dog and is quite remarkably painful, but it wasn't going to stop me from dancing, no sir. It was so beautiful outside that I broke my own cardinal rule drilled into me by my parents: NO MUSIC OUTSIDE -IT'S NOISE POLLUTION, and I plugged my iPod speakers into the outdoor outlet in the back yard. Three songs today: "Blood-stained Tip" by Shadow Fax (who I bet you've never heard of), "To Sheila" by Smashing Pumpkins, and "Konstantine" by Something Corporate. These songs are all from my "Meg" playlist, which is a list completely composed of songs that mean, or have meant, something to me. It's kind of a soundtrack of my life to date. Specifically, these songs are: a favourite from my sophomore year of college, a song from the ONLY good date I had when I went to school in New York City, and Meg-and-Matthew's "First Dance" song...both as a couple and as a married couple. Needless to say, I was going for maximum evocativeness (apparently, evocativeness isn't a word, but you get the idea).
Anyway, so the songs were playing and I started moving...and an interesting thing happened. The first song was general dance-y stuff (read: moving and being frustrated because I can't seem to move the way I want to any more ever), but in the second one I turned around and was caught in a moment. As I watched I saw our little Xander walking down the lawn, totally preoccupied with looking around him. And as I watched him walk away I was so overcome by love for this little person -with his little blue jeans and his wee bucket hat and his coconut head and his tiny, uneven toddler strides, that my heart almost leaped out of my chest. He turned around and I crouched down and held out my arms and watched him as he grinned and ran towards me with his arms held out for a hug. It was amazing. It was like dancing, only I wasn't moving. And here's the interesting part...I couldn't wait to come in and write about it.
This is a big deal...until recently my first thought would have been to dance about something like that. I probably wouldn't have actually gotten up and done it, but I would have felt like it. To have my first instinct be to write...that's new. It kind of scares me...does this mean I'm a writer and not a dancer any more? Can I be both? Am I more one than the other? Or am I just way too preoccupied with labels?
Those are rhetorical questions...of course I'm a dancer. But it reminds me of something I was pondering as I stroller-walked Xander around the block earlier today. My philosophy of "Everyone's a dancer"...is it really true? I mean, yes, everyone can dance, everyone has the ability to express themselves through movement if they feel like it. But that's what's making me wonder...the "if they feel like it." Take my ex-fiance -he never danced, ever (I don't know if this is still true, but it was when we were a couple). He just didn't like it. Is he a dancer? Are you a dancer if you would take the term as a genuine insult? Or if you just plain never feel the urge? If you're out there and you're reading this I'd love to know what you think. I'll be thinking about it myself, I'm sure, and I'll get back to you if I come up with anything.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Day 6: May 6, 2010
Ok, NOW I need a sick day. Seriously. I barely moved from the sofa today. But I will not be derailed by this, oh no. I will be back at the dancing...just as soon as I can walk 5 feet without being painfully wracked by coughing.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Day 5: May 5, 2010
I should probably have made some kind of provision for sick days. Because today is a sick day. I have a cold, and the mere act of dragging our compost bin up to the curb for pick-up made me almost pass out. However, I persevered...I said a minimum of 5 minutes, and I danced for six. I don't really have anything astounding to report. I put on boppy pop music (the You and Me song from Romeo and Juliet and "Aside" by The Weakerthans) and...well...bopped. Then I collapsed on the sofa. I'm glad I managed to stick with it though -it didn't make me feel worse, and it probably cheered me up a bit. Which is good...because colds suck.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Day 4: May 4, 2010
Oh my, today was ALL over the place.
I keep thinking I should try to do my dancing practice when Xander's not up, but he gets SO excited when I say it's time to dance. Then, inevitably, he wants to go upstairs or get water or read a book or, today, nurse twice (he's getting a cold and it makes him a boobaholic). Did you know that it's possible to dance while nursing? Technically there are two ways to do it: there's the physically challenging "pick up the toddler while he's latched on and dance around while holding him" and there's the less-exhausting but more-imaginatively-challenging "dance with your arms while sitting cross-legged." As I, too, am getting a cold, I chose the latter. I need to work on this because I actually ended up doing jazz hands at one point. For some reason I find this fact deeply embarrassing.
Today's soundtrack was "Ten Seconds to Sunrise" by DJ Tiesto followed by three different versions of the "Wee-ooo" theme (known as Doctor Who in households not containing a Wee-ooo obsessed two year old). Tiesto was, as always, easy to dance to. I found myself morphing through different shapes and sustained movements during the slower parts of the song and then letting loose with the party dance during the faster parts. Xander, meanwhile, started off by running full tilt at the wall and smacking into it. He did this repeatedly (he thinks it's hilarious...and it is). Then he moved on to the classic "stand with feet spread apart and bob your head" routine. I tried that too -I can see why he likes it!
The Doctor Who theme in its second-most-recent incarnation is actually extremely difficult to dance to. I was at a complete loss, so I sort of just bopped around. I had much better luck with the second version I played, which was from 1985 and very electronic-bouncy. I played around with the idea of being a goofy robot or a spastic alien, and I got on very well (I know you're trying to picture that, and yes, it looked just as bizarre and silly as you're thinking). By the time we'd gone through a second rendition of the more recent version I was completely spent.
So...what did I learn today? Dancing with your toddler is always challenging, but at least you get good stories out of it. And, for the sake of my sanity, I should probably schedule one or two sessions a week sans-baby. Oh, and I need to get on the yoga train...I HURT.
I keep thinking I should try to do my dancing practice when Xander's not up, but he gets SO excited when I say it's time to dance. Then, inevitably, he wants to go upstairs or get water or read a book or, today, nurse twice (he's getting a cold and it makes him a boobaholic). Did you know that it's possible to dance while nursing? Technically there are two ways to do it: there's the physically challenging "pick up the toddler while he's latched on and dance around while holding him" and there's the less-exhausting but more-imaginatively-challenging "dance with your arms while sitting cross-legged." As I, too, am getting a cold, I chose the latter. I need to work on this because I actually ended up doing jazz hands at one point. For some reason I find this fact deeply embarrassing.
Today's soundtrack was "Ten Seconds to Sunrise" by DJ Tiesto followed by three different versions of the "Wee-ooo" theme (known as Doctor Who in households not containing a Wee-ooo obsessed two year old). Tiesto was, as always, easy to dance to. I found myself morphing through different shapes and sustained movements during the slower parts of the song and then letting loose with the party dance during the faster parts. Xander, meanwhile, started off by running full tilt at the wall and smacking into it. He did this repeatedly (he thinks it's hilarious...and it is). Then he moved on to the classic "stand with feet spread apart and bob your head" routine. I tried that too -I can see why he likes it!
The Doctor Who theme in its second-most-recent incarnation is actually extremely difficult to dance to. I was at a complete loss, so I sort of just bopped around. I had much better luck with the second version I played, which was from 1985 and very electronic-bouncy. I played around with the idea of being a goofy robot or a spastic alien, and I got on very well (I know you're trying to picture that, and yes, it looked just as bizarre and silly as you're thinking). By the time we'd gone through a second rendition of the more recent version I was completely spent.
So...what did I learn today? Dancing with your toddler is always challenging, but at least you get good stories out of it. And, for the sake of my sanity, I should probably schedule one or two sessions a week sans-baby. Oh, and I need to get on the yoga train...I HURT.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Day 3: May 3, 2010
Today's effort felt sort of like a performance that is continually interrupted by cell phones...much like the writing of this post is feeling, actually. It's just a continuous chorus of "Up?...up?...up?...up? Book? Book? Book? Book? Boob? Boob? Boob? Boob?" until I feel like I'm going mad. I persevered, however. My dance session today featured a selection of slower classical music, a cello version of "Nothing Else Matters" by Metallica, and one song by Matt Nathanson. It also featured a reading of the children's book "Owl Babies" complete with dance steps as a compromise between Xander's request that I sit on the floor and read and my own desire to keep dancing. That part brought to mind a choreography assignment from high school in which we had to memorize a piece of text and recite it along with movements. Once I got over being annoyed it was actually kind of fun.
During my dance today I felt a very old issue come up. I once took a couple of private classes with a teacher who did a lot of improvisation with me. But instead of maintaining the philosophy that improv is improv and that there is not right or wrong when it comes to personal expression, this teacher told me I was doing it wrong. OK, I exaggerate, she was just challenging me to think about how I use my body, but it FELT like "that's wrong" and it took me out of the movement and made me *think.* And if there's one thing that kills my ability to let go and dance it's thinking. Very annoying. Sometimes it crops up and then the entire session is a struggle. Blah. I so didn't need that today, especially on top of the chorus of "book"s. Grr.
Oh well, tomorrow is another day. I guess one really good thing about this practice is that if I have a not-so-goodish session one day at least I know that I'll have a chance for a better session tomorrow!
During my dance today I felt a very old issue come up. I once took a couple of private classes with a teacher who did a lot of improvisation with me. But instead of maintaining the philosophy that improv is improv and that there is not right or wrong when it comes to personal expression, this teacher told me I was doing it wrong. OK, I exaggerate, she was just challenging me to think about how I use my body, but it FELT like "that's wrong" and it took me out of the movement and made me *think.* And if there's one thing that kills my ability to let go and dance it's thinking. Very annoying. Sometimes it crops up and then the entire session is a struggle. Blah. I so didn't need that today, especially on top of the chorus of "book"s. Grr.
Oh well, tomorrow is another day. I guess one really good thing about this practice is that if I have a not-so-goodish session one day at least I know that I'll have a chance for a better session tomorrow!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Day 2: May 2, 2010
Ah! A rousing dance party in the basement!
This morning the little man and I went downstairs after breakfast and danced our socks off (did I mention my little man? His name is Xander and he's almost 21 months old). It was a 180 degree turn from last night. Morning, Reiki, and (apparently) The Work will do that to a person, I guess. Turning on the heat and wearing warmer clothes helps too.
It wasn't a dance-as-serious-Art-capital-A session. It was me and my son boogieing to some rockin' tunes (I say "rockin' tunes," but really it was obnoxious pop). We chased a ball and spun in circles and he spent a good ten minutes climbing onto the coffee table and being helped down. It was fantastic. The kind of time that makes you think "WHY DON'T I ALWAYS DO THIS?!" Lovely!
Looking forward to tomorrow!
This morning the little man and I went downstairs after breakfast and danced our socks off (did I mention my little man? His name is Xander and he's almost 21 months old). It was a 180 degree turn from last night. Morning, Reiki, and (apparently) The Work will do that to a person, I guess. Turning on the heat and wearing warmer clothes helps too.
It wasn't a dance-as-serious-Art-capital-A session. It was me and my son boogieing to some rockin' tunes (I say "rockin' tunes," but really it was obnoxious pop). We chased a ball and spun in circles and he spent a good ten minutes climbing onto the coffee table and being helped down. It was fantastic. The kind of time that makes you think "WHY DON'T I ALWAYS DO THIS?!" Lovely!
Looking forward to tomorrow!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Day 1: May 1st, 2010
In 2006 I had an epiphany that changed my life. It made me stop berating myself for "failing as a dancer" and allowed me to recreate my relationship with dance...or at least begin to. The epiphany was: DANCE IS THE PHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF A SPIRITUAL STATE. It's not steps, it's not whether your toes are pointed or how high your leg goes. It's you, unmasked. Martha Graham said "Movement never lies"...and how true that is.
When I set out to do this challenge I had a certain vision in mind. I pictured myself in beautiful yoga clothes and colourful scarves dancing my heart out with joy radiating from every cell in my body. That's what I picture when I think of myself dancing. But, of course, it didn't turn out that way.
I've had a not-too-good couple of days. I feel off-balance and closed-off from people and, frankly, scared out of my mind. And I really wanted my dance to take me out of that and make me happy. Sometimes you can do that. But I think the happy needs to be there in your heart, at least a little bit, in order for that to happen and not feel forced. It wasn't there. My dance was closed off, boxed in, reaching out, yes, but in a desperate way. And the entire session was overshadowed by the feeling of "oh no, what if people are watching me" and tinged with anger and a need to cry...which also didn't happen. Actually, come to think of it, it was an exact reflection of how I've been feeling.
So you know what? Never mind how I thought the dance "should have been." There is no "should have been." It was me. And that's how I was today. If I learn to be OK with that, I think that would be a tremendous step forward.
When I set out to do this challenge I had a certain vision in mind. I pictured myself in beautiful yoga clothes and colourful scarves dancing my heart out with joy radiating from every cell in my body. That's what I picture when I think of myself dancing. But, of course, it didn't turn out that way.
I've had a not-too-good couple of days. I feel off-balance and closed-off from people and, frankly, scared out of my mind. And I really wanted my dance to take me out of that and make me happy. Sometimes you can do that. But I think the happy needs to be there in your heart, at least a little bit, in order for that to happen and not feel forced. It wasn't there. My dance was closed off, boxed in, reaching out, yes, but in a desperate way. And the entire session was overshadowed by the feeling of "oh no, what if people are watching me" and tinged with anger and a need to cry...which also didn't happen. Actually, come to think of it, it was an exact reflection of how I've been feeling.
So you know what? Never mind how I thought the dance "should have been." There is no "should have been." It was me. And that's how I was today. If I learn to be OK with that, I think that would be a tremendous step forward.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I am a dancer.
You wouldn't think it to look at me. I don't weigh 90 lbs, I have big bones, I don't walk with my feet turned out (much anymore) and I don't wear my hair in a perpetual bun. I'm not flexible. I don't even, to be honest, dance that much these days. But a dancer I am, heart and soul, all 200 lbs of me...just as much as I was when I was 135lbs with a bun and pointe shoes (maybe even more).
Everyone is a dancer. Most of us have forgotten. I forget I'm one all the time, but it's a fact. I remember when a favourite song is playing, or when I get so excited I jump up and down, or when I'm faced with an emotion so big that I automatically seek a quiet spot and let my body start to move. Or when I hear an amazing piece of music and can't help picturing steps to go with it.
My purpose in writing this blog is to help myself to remember. I'm tired of having dance be an afterthought. I want it to be a joyful part of my life, as natural as breathing. So, starting May 1st, I will undertake the following challenge: for one year I will dance every day. I will keep a record of my experiences on this blog.
The fine print:
1. In order to make this a doable proposition I am establishing a minimum goal of 5 minutes (with the intention of doing more). Five minutes is a very un-intimidating time.
2. I define "dance" as moving my body consciously, with or without music. This isn't a fitness challenge or a "daily barre exercises" attempt (because, trust me, I've tried those and...not so much).
3. I'll try to make the posts interesting, I swear. Not just "Monday, danced for 5 min to Madonna"...deal? Deal.
OK. May 1st. I'll see you then.
Everyone is a dancer. Most of us have forgotten. I forget I'm one all the time, but it's a fact. I remember when a favourite song is playing, or when I get so excited I jump up and down, or when I'm faced with an emotion so big that I automatically seek a quiet spot and let my body start to move. Or when I hear an amazing piece of music and can't help picturing steps to go with it.
My purpose in writing this blog is to help myself to remember. I'm tired of having dance be an afterthought. I want it to be a joyful part of my life, as natural as breathing. So, starting May 1st, I will undertake the following challenge: for one year I will dance every day. I will keep a record of my experiences on this blog.
The fine print:
1. In order to make this a doable proposition I am establishing a minimum goal of 5 minutes (with the intention of doing more). Five minutes is a very un-intimidating time.
2. I define "dance" as moving my body consciously, with or without music. This isn't a fitness challenge or a "daily barre exercises" attempt (because, trust me, I've tried those and...not so much).
3. I'll try to make the posts interesting, I swear. Not just "Monday, danced for 5 min to Madonna"...deal? Deal.
OK. May 1st. I'll see you then.
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