I'm very proud of myself. Today I went down and danced first thing after I got Xander to sleep for his nap. Usually (when we don't dance together in the mornings) I find myself meaning to do that, but deciding to have a snack or make some tea or surf the web first, and then suddenly he's up again and I've gotten no dancing done. But today I got him down, took the monitor and my iPod down to the dance room and danced for an entire almost-10-minute song! YES!
The dance was both really good and really frustrating. I found myself more able to slip into the movements I wanted, instead of feeling like I couldn't get there or feeling silly. I found myself exploring a lot of shapes -finding interesting ways to shape my body, and then morphing into something else or holding that shape and moving through space. But about halfway through it stopped being awesome and started feeling over-thought. Not contrived, exactly, but like I was planning what to do next all the time, and then I was noticing that I was doing that. I guess the best comparison is a frustrating meditation session: you sit there and you catch yourself making a to-do list for after you're done meditating, and then you get mad at yourself for doing that and then you get frustrated for getting mad at yourself when you're supposed to be meditating and on and on and on.
They say that the very act of catching yourself "meditating wrong" is what meditating is all about. It shows you that you are not your thoughts, and that there is an inner witness who is present no matter where your monkey mind takes you. That's a comforting thought. So, maybe the entire session today was NOT a waste of time. Maybe it was all good...not only did I move myself the way I wanted to, but I began locating the inner witness. Still frustrating, but a little less self-critical-making. That's good. Really, if I have more sessions like this I should consider myself lucky!
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